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hello hello! i'm cat, and this is my (our) blog. i write a lot about motherhood and try to find the creative in our day to day lives. i also may share photo sessions as they come my way or a photos series i may be doing as a personal project. maybe a new recipe we're all loving at the moment. instagrams and dr. seuss quotes. this is also a space for me to just write. i've always been a lover of words. grab a cuppa brew and have a browse. cheers.

Posts tagged BC

It was our first trip on the Sky Train. We wanted to test drive using the Canada Line, and the library was only a few blocks from one of the stops. So, off we went. Although I’ve used the metro in DC, public transportation kind of scares me. I don’t know where I’m going, I don’t know the routes, what if I get on the wrong train…Of course these fears are silly, especially now that I’ve ridden the Sky Train again and again and I realize Evelyn could probably figure it out on her own. Anyhow, we made it to our destination, took the two elevators necessary to get to street level, and as the doors opened to the the corner of Granville and Georgia, we were greeted by traffic, street vendors selling sausages and hot dogs, a homeless man playing a harmonica, orange vested girls handing out free candy bars and a flock of pigeons just hanging out. City life.

We walked the few blocks it took to get the Vancouver Public Library, and man, is this building impressive in stature. It’s a far cry from the one story Gaithersburg Public Library that houses my memories growing up. The bottom level is devoted entirely to kids, with several play areas and coloring stations, and of course, rows and rows and rows of books. I could see both Evelyn’s and Theo’s eyes light up as soon as the elevator doors parted.

I’ve often wondered, since Evelyn was probably around 1 and could communicate on some level, when she would take a real interest in reading. Being the book worm I was growing up, I hoped she would pick up my love for words and books and experience the thrill of immersing yourself in a really good story. She would look at the pictures for a few minutes and then get bored. This was her routine up until really recently. Right around the time we started going to this huge library on a regular basis, she all of the sudden began to take more of an interest in actually hearing the stories. She took the time to listen. For this girl, that is almost a miracle seeing as every time we are at the park I have to pretend to leave her to make her come because she won’t listen to me otherwise. My thinking is that motivating by fear is a lot easier than carrying a 35 pound sack of screaming, dead weight. Thing is most days I still end up having to go back and get her, because she doesn’t seem to care one little bit that I’ve “left.” I guess she has me figured out. It’s a work in progress.

When we aren’t playing mind games with one another and she is being a sweet, submissive child, I do love to sit and read with her. It’s our thing, as of late. I love that she will come to me with a stack of books that she can barely carry and ask me to read to her with such enthusiasm. She’ll nuzzle into me, making it kind of hard to hold the book and turn the pages, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love how she loves certain stories, and will want to read them over and over again. I love that we now share a love for Dr. Seuss and see who can say “There’s a Wocket in my Pocket!” the funniest. I especially love how she tries to memorize the story and placement of words, and tries her little hardest to read along with me. It usually just comes out as mutterings and a few choice words she has down pat, but it’s pretty cute. Lastly, I love that she is actually learning and applying these stories to her own life. So often as a parent you wonder if anything you say is actually being taken in. Saying the same thing 27 times a day with no results can be discouraging. But the other day we were at the store and she told me she had a “tickle in her belly.” At first I dismissed it, barely understanding what she was saying. But a few minutes later she was still saying the same thing, but now bending over and holding her stomach so it finally clicked that she had to use the potty, and was actually telling me! This is a big deal for us, as the potty has been of absolutely no interest to her until really recently. Normally I wouldn’t really care, but changing two sets of diapers was getting old. Anyhow, one of our library books is about Ian’s new potty, and how he has a “tickle in his belly” whenever he has to, you know, go. And guess what, go she did. But thankfully not on the floor. We managed to make it to the bathroom in time.  Winner’s Homesense on Cambie Street is now apart of Evelyn’s personal potty success story.

And there you have it, folks. Books about pee and poo and pottys that, ironically, make a real difference in our lives. Or at least mine. And on that note which solidifies the fact that I couldn’t be more of a mom, I’m out.

“when a child first catches adults out—when it first walks into his grave little head that adults do not have divine intelligence, that their judgments are not always wise, their thinking true, their sentences just—his world falls into panic desolation. The gods are fallen and all safety gone…And the child’s world is never quite whole again. It is an aching kind of growing.” East of Eden, Steinbeck

I was scrolling through Matt’s photo library on his phone the other day and came across a picture of Evelyn and Theo. What’s strangest is that Evelyn was bent over forward, her face not even showing, and yet at first glance I thought it was me. It’s odd, seeing your child really, actually resemble you. And it’s obviously in more than just physical looks, there was something about her, maybe her posture, her movement, her essence, that spoke of me. It happened again this morning. She sat on the couch eating her go to snack of white cheddar cheese and cut up Pink Lady apples, also a favorite of mine. But as she munched, her little mouth moving and her little eyes watching, I just couldn’t take my eyes off of her. She all at once seemed so old yet so innocent, and all the while reminded me of me. I looked at her and wondered how she came to be 3. It’s really a wonderfully amazing experience to watch the transformation of a child.

I stand in our kitchen, watching her, and I wonder when she will realize that I actually don’t know everything. I really have no idea what I’m doing. That’s not entirely true. When it comes to being a mom, I know how to do it. I know how to do the day to day, the moment to moment. I can change a diaper while singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star while the pasta cooks and the phone rings and the laundry beeps and she is climbing on my back asking to read Ian’s New Potty for the 18th time that day. Sometimes people see me out with the two of them and ask how far apart they are and say, oh! So you’re tired all the time! Well, yes that’s true. But 2? Come on. I’m one of seven baby, if you want to pat a mom on the back do that to MY mom. She must be eternally tired and still catching up on her sleep from the 20 years that she got none.

What gets me about being a mom to a young girl and a grown up daughter all at the same time is that she looks to me like I have all the answers, yet I still am wholeheartedly searching for my place in this life. For my calling. For my purpose. Being a daughter, I know how she views me. I know that look of fear on her face when she realizes I’ve caught her doing something naughty, as if she’s scared because she thinks I’ve never done wrong. Little does she know of my failures and my fears. She has no idea that I feel a sense of urgency right now to figure out what I think about this world and how to live in it, because soon she’ll be looking to me for answers. Right now I can handle the questions about bikes and trees and dirt and rocks and princesses and the sun and moon. Even if I don’t really know, I can get away with faking it. But soon she’ll want to know more, about why I do what I do and say what I say. And what will my answers be?

I’m going through an “aching kind of growing.” Have been for the last 8 years or so. I wasn’t ready to jump into being a mom when I became one. I didn’t know who I was yet, how could I possibly help another human decide who they’re going to be? But who is? It’s not exactly something your heart is prepared for, because you’ve never felt it before. It’s something wonderful and painful all at the same time to be a mother.

You would think I’d be done growing up since I have kids of my own. Shouldn’t I be? My kids are in for real trouble when they find out I’m actually growing up with them. I still haven’t mastered meal planning (or cooking for that matter), I wash whites with colors, my favorite book is a Dr. Seuss book and the main premise around my favorite show is zombies, I get nervous and shy when meeting new people, I still want my mom when I’m sick and my dad when I need advice, I want people to like me, I have that desperate, aching, child-like longing to make a difference in this world…

At least I’ll recognize it in them when they begin their aching kind of growing.