i often wonder if the internal struggle i feel is unique to me. this struggle being: wishing my kids were older and more self sufficient so i can do what i want to do (i know what you are thinking right now…SELFISH!), and then all the sudden realizing that my babies are almost 2 and 4 and why are they growing up so fast?!
i don’t actually wonder if other moms feel this way, i’m pretty sure many do. i just wonder if they think about it as much as i do (mostly the selfish thought). i’ve had conversations with friends about this. some feel like i do, like they feel a tad creatively empty and yes, even a little like they need something else in their life besides all things related to kids. i’ve had other friends say they really don’t think about or have that struggle at all. i think what bonds us all is that, no matter how we may feel minute to minute or day to day, we love our kids. even the moms who don’t really ever wonder if they should or could be doing something else (or something in addition to) having kids, will, i’m sure, still have moments where they want to pull their hair out and just leave to go get a massage and a margarita (at least that’s my idea of relaxation).
as i’ve been thinking about this lately, i’ve realized that for me, i’m actually right where i want to be. but i get too easily caught up in beyonce performances and magazine covers and blog features and this idea that those women don’t have to sacrifice and work really, really hard. i’m not saying i don’t want to work hard or put effort into the creative endeavours i am currently pursuing (nor am i comparing my little blog to the queen b), but i guess i am saying that i do have a limit as to what i’ll sacrifice at this particular point in life. and for me, being there to snuggle evelyn when she wakes up cranky from a nap is not one of them. will she be just fine if i’m not there to do that? of course. but, i simply want to be there. which is probably why i blog. i can “be there” but also connect with the outside world. technology these days is amazing, isn’t it? i still can’t believe that i can push a little button on my phone and actually SEE my mom in another country, another time zone! it’s crazy.
anyhow, i’ll end with something my friend abby said to me yesterday: “grow where you are planted.” apparently this is a well known mantra, but it was new to my ears. i like it. it speaks to me and my grass is greener mentality i often succumb to. i know down the road things will change. that’s the nature of life. they won’t need me as much and circumstances will change where i am free to do more. and hopefully i’ll be able to embrace that, too. but for now, i’m working on doing well and being grateful for where i’m planted.
a few snapshots from a recent whole foods outing…