Those two words are not ones you normally see together. Yet, that oxymoron derived from a struggle of mine. I constantly feel this struggle within myself, and no matter what I do or say to myself, I can’t seem to shake it. I think the root of it has to do with contentment; but where do I draw the line between contentment and sacrifice?
I want to be wholly and fully giving of myself to whatever I am called to do…but the calling is the problem. I think I have this idea in my head of what I want my calling to be right now, and given that I have two small children and a husband with a job where we constantly move, perhaps my idea and reality don’t really mix. But then I wonder, am I merely setting up roadblocks for myself to avoid the fear of failure, the unknown, and hearing the word “no”? Am I simply making excuses as to why I can’t achieve what I want to achieve? Am I meant to be content with where I am right now and sacrifice what I want for what’s best for my family, or is what’s best for my family for me to give more of myself to my dreams? What if my dreams aren’t all that I imagine them to be in reality, and I’ve sacrificed time with my family for them? I don’t really have the answers to these questions. I’m just thinking aloud. In all honesty, I feel completely lost.
I sometimes wish I was one of those kids who, when asked what they wanted to be when they grew up, knew exactly what it was. Their lives went on to follow this path they had always envisioned, and things were peachy. Me, I changed my life’s plan weekly. I never have really known what I’m supposed to be doing, I just wanted to dabble in everything. I’m a true woman, I analyze to death and can’t make a decision to save my life.
It’s the age old struggle of figuring out what it is to “have it all.” Do I really want to have it all? What does that even look like for me? Absolutely, my kids and my family are my top priorities. But does that mean “mom” has to be my only title? Does that mean I should not foster any of my other gifts and talents and desires? This is not unique to me, I know that. I’m not writing anything revolutionary or saying anything that hasn’t already been said. Yet, I still need to flush it out for my own sake.
Despite all this, despite my confusion and, yes, even unhappiness at times, I know one decision I can make right now. I can choose joy. Joy is not an emotion, it’s a state of being. I think one can choose joy, despite their circumstances or inner turmoil and struggles. Maybe that’s what I need to focus on choosing right now, joy. Doesn’t mean I have to know the answers to these questions, or know where my life is going, or what I’m supposed to be doing or how I’m supposed to be feeling. I guess joyfully confused is better than confused by itself, right?
I actually wrote this a few days ago, I don’t feel as much in that “funk” as when I wrote it. However, knowing me and my hormonal, emotional self, I’ll likely be back in my state of confusion in no time. But, it is what it is. I wish I could actually adopt that mentality and apply it towards the issues I face in my life, because then I wouldn’t question everything and make it all complex. It is what it is
Off to enjoy this rainy Sunday watching movies in bed and snuggling my baby girl while baby boy naps and hubby watches soccer, love it! Hope you enjoy your day, too, till next time…